The Survivalist Parenting Method

posted in: Parent Talk | 23

There are many, MANY, types of parenting methods circling the parenting communities lately. You’ve got free-range parenting, helicopter parenting, authoritative parenting, minimalist parenting. I mean the list just goes on and on.

I’m sure we all follow some of these styles, knowingly or unknowingly. Some follow them to a tee, some just go with the flow. Me however, I follow this other style that I think is just rock solid!


I call it,

Survivalist Parenting!

It’s a big deal, really! I strongly believe every parent is doing it, they just don’t realize it…YET! But I am here to change that!


What is Survivalist Parenting?

Well, let me tell you, it is the art of surviving while simultaneously keeping those little humans of your (or others) alive. I mean, there are a few rules to the whole Survivalist style.


  • Those little humans must stay fed, clothed, safe. You know, all the important stuff. And even those are semi-optional in some cases. I’m fairly confident my kids end up naked the minute their feet hit the front door,  and most meals end up in the kitchen sink instead of my 3 year olds mouth. So, like I said, semi-optional.


  • They can’t be off catching Pokemon on the freeway and causing chaos but let’s be honest, the rules are fairly loose after that.


How do you know you are a Survivalist parent?


  • First off, you managed to get through the day without ripping your own hair out! So kudos to you! This is a big deal!


  • Secondly, your children still told you they loved you at bedtime and gave you a great big Bear hug before spending the next two hours screaming about bedtime. YAY!


  • Thirdly, you managed to eventually get those screaming kiddos to close their eyes and to sleep soundly (for a few hours at least) without tossing them across the room first! High five!


  • Fourthly, you immediately sat down, turned on Netflix, and ate half a container of ice cream in order to decompress from that bedtime routine. Guilty as charged ✊


So now that you know you’re a Survivalist parent, what are some things to look out for? What do Survivalists find themselves doing?

Do any of these sound familiar?


  • Your child has eaten peanut butter and jelly (sometimes no jelly) sandwiches for the last 5 days. You add a different side each time, that’s what counts, it’s like a surprise!


  • Your child just watched Zootopia all day because that bedtime routine was way too brutal on mommy (or was it the tub of ice cream?) It’s hard to tell.


  • You locked all children in the bathroom with you, and some snacks, just so you could manage to take your weekly shower. The baby was chewing on a hair brush when you emerged from your luxury, 5 minutes retreat…but no one died, so WIN!


  • You finally gave up, and gave in, to the constant begging for an otter pop just so those screaming meanies would stay outside for more than 5 minutes at a time. I swear, who knew a child needed to be reassured 15 times that he was in fact not being stung by the fly on his leg.


  • You just made your toddler spot clean the kitchen floor with a rag because he is still very gullible at this age and telling him that mommy is not legally allowed to do it just did the trick. But seriously, he made the mess to begin with (I say in my most childish voice).


  • Your children just watched TV in the guest room for the last 2 hours so you could sleep more because no one in their right mind gets up at 6am on a Saturday! Including their very tired and very irritable mother!


So now that you know you are not in the boat alone, lets go over what you can do to be the best Survivalist parent EVER!




  • Everything you’ve already been doing!


I know, probably not what you were thinking but seriously! If you survived through the day, week, month, year, without losing your absolute sanity while also keeping your children from running off cliffs or starving to death (despite their secret goal to starve to death because nothing is acceptable to eat when you’re a threenager), then I would have to say you are doing a fantastic job!


survivalist parenting


We are all moms and dads that are doing our very best to be the very best while also slowly dying a little on the inside from the fifty million pointless questions we get asked everyday.


Keep your heads up parents, you are all absolutely amazing, wonderful, super awesome parents and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!


If you need to hide in the bathroom for 20 minutes pretending to poo just so you can eat a piece of chocolate (oh who are we kidding, we ate the whole box) and catch Pikachu without the kids wasting all the poke balls, then you go right ahead do that with pride!


i won’t judge you and I’m sure there is a long line of other parents who won’t either!


Stay strong! Remember, they can sense fear…


My Name 2

23 Responses

  1. Amie

    I love this idea!! I am a survivalist parent for sure! They best part about connecting with another survivalist parent is it is usually a judgement free zone!!! Great post!

    • Kylie

      Thank you for reading! I’m pretty sure mine drive me crazy on a daily bases lol. She is not alone!

  2. Allison

    Omg this is the best post ever! I love it! Too funny. If I ever become a parent this is most definitely going to be my style!

  3. Samantha

    This is probably the best parenting method ever! Definitely my style. And in my defense, he CHOSE to have nothing but peanut butter sandwiches for lunch all week. So really, it was survival not to argue that. He’s eating, I’m happy. 🙂

  4. Gabrielle

    I am guilty of all of the above, especially with two sets of twins under 6! Thank you for the permission to laugh at me

  5. Amanda Kuebler

    Yes! My house is run by an insane dictator who sucks his thumb, always yells, and refuses to let me sleep. Seriously, when was it decided that all toddlers must get up at 6am everyday?

    Your article was so on point. I relate to all of this. Great writing mama.

  6. lifeaslanhams

    I know this is sort of tongue in cheek, but I have been there. More than I care to admit! It does get easier as they get older, though!

  7. Lisa Scott

    I have five kids and every day is a struggle for my survival, let me tell you. But every second is worth it because they are awesome little people. 🙂

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