Funny parenting lies

The Funny Lies Parents Tell Their Kids

posted in: Parent Talk | 22

As parents, we all have our moments where the good cop, excuses and bribes aren’t working and we have to resort to those good ol’ open ended threats and innocent fibs. It’s OK to admit it, we all have our days. Those days where little Johnny is being a little shit and the only way to keep your sanity is to let him know that if the attitude doesn’t stop you will have no choice but to tattle tale to Santa about all his bad behavior.


I promise, it happens to us all and if you are sitting there saying “no, not true, I have never lied to my child” then you are in denial and in turn, lying to yourself. It’s a fact of life, those little fibs keep all us amazing moms and dads from absolutely losing our shit everyday and if that is what keeps the crazy in, then so be it! I mean seriously, once, in order to not completely have a mommy melt down, I yelled the words “if you keep this up you’ll never get anything ever again”! That’s how vague my threats have become, they include anything and everything just to get a point across.


I went ahead and asked some of those amazing moms what funny lies they have told their children over the years in order to stay sane, Here is what they said:


  • I told my daughter, babies come from a magic trick and her dad is the magician. She’s 4 and very smart and curious!


  • I told my oldest daughters when I was pregnant with my son that babies come out of our belly buttons.


  • You won’t like the dark chocolate, only adults like it.


  • I tell my kids that dark chocolate is super spicy and it will burn their tongues!!


  • I tell my daughter that if she doesn’t chill out her booty is gonna fall off.


  • If you keep making those faces, it’s going stay like that.


  • I tell my son that if he doesn’t eat his lunch the monster would come and eat his feet that night.


  • If my two year old doesn’t want to come inside or listen we tell her there’s a bug coming to get her. So she runs in . Or if they act up, her and my 4 year old, we tell them were going to go to the car wash . They’re afraid of the car wash!


  • That all meat is chicken. That’s all they would eat so whatever it was we called it chicken.


  • We told our son for years that fish sticks were just water chicken.


  • I told my 5 year old son that if he doesn’t brush his teeth every morning and night he will wake up the next morning with no teeth (they will disappear).


  • My mom once told my step brother (who’s 6) that the ice cream truck only plays music when it’s out of ice cream.


  • I told my son if he don’t behave I will take him to target and return him in exchange for another kid.


  • If you keep playing with your penis, it will fall off and you will turn into a girl.


  • I’ve told them not to pick their nose because boogers are pieces of their brain.


  • I have told my kids that I was calling to the tooth fairy and telling her to leave them dirt instead of money.


  • I told my children I was on the phone with Santa Claus and if I wasn’t left alone I would give him a bad report just so I could go number 2 alone!


  • I have had to tell my kids that I stubbed my toe or hit my head after they have heard noises from my bedroom late at night.


  • My mom told us kids she was “paying bills” during her night time shenanigans.


  • I tell my 6 yr old that the tooth fairy and Santa are good friends and if she eats too much sweets and doesn’t take care of her teeth the tooth fairy will know and will tell Santa not to bring her presents.


  • That I was going to give away one of his brothers if they didn’t get along. Had to act it out too. Packed him a bag and everything. Once he realized I was “serious” he apologized. Started to play nice with his baby brother.


  • My mom told us if we cried when we went to bed (which we always threw fits) we had to stop or the neighbors would call the cops to come take us away.


  • Told my daughter if she doesn’t eat her tummy will run away.


  • We were at a big party and my child was very disturbed because the blow up slide left little red marks on his skin (he scraped the side a little, no allergy.) So I convinced him strawberries took the sting away. Every time he went down he grabbed a slice of strawberry and rubbed it on his “owie”.


  • That’s not cake it’s a pile of dirt.


  • My little sister was told that babies come out your nose. We also told her that we went to the hospital to pick out my baby and that all that stuff in my tummy was just baby clothes so that when we brought him back from the baby patch he’d be warm.


  • Anytime I have a drink like hot chocolate or chocolate milk but don’t wanna share I tell my 4 year old niece it’s adult chocolate milk made with adult stuff like taxes and cable bills. She believes me every time.


  • I don’t know what happened the batteries must have gone dead…no mommy doesn’t have any more.


  • If you eat, your muscles grow! Then I proceed to have to feel their ‘muscles’ after every bite to confirm its working.


  • That the tooth fairy had to take a sick day because he wasn’t feeling well.


  • See those little white dots in your finger nails? Tells mommy how many lies you’ve told! It works every time.


  • Drinking your bath water will give you diarrhea.


  • I used to tell my kids that sucking their snot up (instead of blowing their nose) would make spider webs in their brains.


  • I was at a wedding and told my daughter that if she made a noise during the wedding they couldn’t get married…she didn’t move.


  • That the tooth fairy didn’t come because my daughter went to bed too late..2 nights in a row! Really the “tooth fairy” fell asleep both nights.


  • I’ve convinced my son that his ears turn red when he lies. He’s 4 and either covers his ears or asks me what color his ears are when he lies. I will use this as long as I can!


  • The zoo is closed today, it was getting to stinky and they had to clean all the poop out of the cages.


  • Caillou was naughty so they won’t let him on TV anymore. I freaking hate that show.


  • I told my cousin that rainbows come from unicorn farts.


  • So my son refused to wear pants. We were taking a shower and he asked where my pee pee was. I got down really serious and told him when I was little I wouldn’t wear pants and someone pinched it off!!!


  • Two of my nephews wouldn’t shower we told them their balls would fall off… they didn’t believe us and my little sister was a tomboy so we told them that’s what happened to her that she never bathed and they fell off that’s why she dresses like a boy.


  • When my 3 year old doesn’t feel good and refuses to go to sleep, I tell him that he has little soldiers in his body and the only way they can fight off the bad guys is if he falls asleep.


Alright, so there you have it! You are not alone in the realm of parenting lies. We all have our good and bad days, sometimes the only way to get through them is to fib to your kids.



22 Responses

  1. jojotabares

    I’ve never lied to my kids. If I didn’t think they could handle the answer, I would tell them they wouldn’t understand or it wasn’t for them.

  2. Julie Hood

    THESE ARE SO FUNNY! “If you don’t chill, your booty will fall off” is probably my favorite. I’m dying.

  3. The Frugal Branch

    Hahahaha, I love this! Especially the ice cream truck and your ears turn red when you’re lying! That’s great!!! Thanks for the Saturday giggles!

  4. Lauren Vavala

    These are so cute! I haven’t used any but my mom used to tell us the one about our face staying that way! I might have to try some of these out though!

  5. Diedre

    This was absolutely hilarious! I loved the one about not wearing pants and your pee pee got pinched off.

  6. Carmen Nichole

    I need to remember some of these when my son gets older, lol. I may have told my nieces and nephew some lies, but I can’t remember them. This is awesome! lol

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